Telstra 'Cyber Safety – Balancing Screen Time' Survey

Telstra has released a survey just this week called 'Cyber Safety – Balancing Screen Time' and here is what they say about the topic:

As a parent, it may be difficult to know where to start when it comes to instilling family values in relation to children’s online activity. How much time online is too much? How can you set reasonable limits? And more to the point, how can you enforce them?

The release of our Cyber Safety – Balancing Screen Time survey this week is a timely reminder about the important role parents have in setting a positive digital media example for their children.

‘Balancing screen time’ means being aware of how to balance time spent online with all of life’s other activities such as getting enough sleep, exercise, school work, hobbies, face-to-face time with friends and family, and other important tasks.

The survey asked more than 1000 Australian parents of children aged 3-17 about their own use and their children’s use of devices. In a unique aspect, the Survey also asked more than 500 Australian children aged 12-17 about their own use and perceptions of their parents’ use of devices.

Surprisingly, or maybe it’s not surprising to some, 65 per cent of parents surveyed do not think they’re good technology role models. The survey also revealed that 50 per cent of children say their parents are good technology role models. So while kids have a more positive view of their parents than their parents have of themselves, 10% of kids still believe their parents spend too much time on their devices.

The correlation between parents’ and children’s online behaviours is demonstrated in some further statistics from the survey include:

• 66 per cent of parents admit to using devices in front of the television; compared to 71 per cent of children;
• 50 per cent of parents ‘second screen’ between 7pm-9pm during school nights; compared to 41 per cent of children; and
• 15 per cent of parents use devices during meal times compared to 19 per cent of children.

Maybe it’s a case of do as I say, rather than do as I do, but with millions of Aussie kids about to return to school, we’re encouraging parents to be mindful of the example they set and talk to children about ways they can balance their digital lives.

Here are just some of the ways you can help balance your children’s screen time.

Agree limits

Talk to your children about the amount of digital time they’re living and then, based on what you agree is a healthy balance, set ‘switched off’ times of day. Help your children create a media use roster allocating blocks of time for homework, chores and their screen time.

Be an offline supporter

Support and encourage your kids in activities that don’t involve a digital device. A ball game or reading a book are all great ways to show kids how they can enjoy themselves without a mobile, tablet or computer.

Set family rules

Make sure you’re seen as a positive example. Do you want the dinner table to be a device-free zone? If so, then have everyone (including Mum and Dad) turn off their mobile phones and devices during dinner, or when taking part in family activities. Children are happier following rules if everyone in the family plays by them.

Turn off devices before bedtime

Lack of sleep can affect alertness, concentration and memory. For a better night’s sleep try encouraging children to switch off at least one hour before bedtime. Create a charging station and charge all household devices in the one spot overnight.

Make the most of parental controls

Many parental controls tools allow you to set time-of-day restrictions on children’s device usage. We recommend Telstra Smart Controls® for mobile devices and Telstra Online Security for your home network.

Consider the difference between types of screen time

Not all screen time is created equal. Think about the differences between using a device for homework or creative expression versus using it for passive entertainment.

What do YOU think about the findings?

Teachers Chosen At Start of School Year

Something strange happened today during day two of year 1 for my daughter.

Classes and teachers and classrooms were chosen for each of the year 1 students.

But that's not the strange part.

Mums... huddled. And complained. And talked about why THAT teacher was not the best for THEIR child.

I was a little... shocked.

Is this a 'thing'?

Now, granted, I am new to the whole schooling thing. I am into my second year of this with my twins.

But I kinda think that trusting the system, trusting the teachers who have (I would think) met together and discussed each child and where they are best suited, and with which teacher, is the way to go. To embrace what's chosen for your child.

And, here's the bonus... accepting what you have is stress-free!

There's nothing else to 'get', nothing to figure out.

Your child will be fine. You child will excel. Your child will prosper in that class.

As some mums gathered and discussed, I was left without many words. But I did have these to say:

Trust the universe. 

I will say that having a child with special needs changes your mindset on things, especially education, and just how much you can control.

My credo since my son was diagnosed with autism at age 2 is: relinquish control.

My son's school is not the school I chose for him. The Department of Education did, and initially, I was not happy.

It wasn't the school closest to me, it wasn't the school I'd visited a few times, it wasn't the school I had in my head, all pictured 'perfectly'.

Dept of Ed chose THIS school, and after I burst into tears when I read the letter that he was offered a place there (yes, I did - as it was not what I hoped, and while my journey with autism was a few years in, my experience of autism and school was non-existent) my husband assured me to just go with it. Trust it all. It will all work out the way it is meant to.

He was right. This school has ended up being the biggest blessing; the most wonderful mainstream school for my daughter, and the best mainstream school - with an autism support unit - for my son.

I think the 'best teacher' may just well be the very one your child has.

What is your experience of the new year of starting school?

Are you happy with it all? Have you spoken up about making changes? Are do you just let things go as they are and trust it will all work out?

'8 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally F*ck Up Your Kids'

I mean, how can you NOT read a story with a header like this?

This story appeared in the Huffington Post, and is worth a read in full.

Written by Sherrie Campbell, PhD (follow her on Twitter here) it starts:

Our children are the lights of our lives. We all start off as parents envisioning nothing but success, love and happiness for them. However, these dreams often do not manifest because they are not getting the important things they need to become disciplined, mature and motivated adults. The following are eight parenting f*ck-ups that will guarantee your child will suffer from depression, anxiety, anger, tense family relationships, problems with friends, low self-esteem, a sense of entitlement and chronic emotional problems throughout his or her life.

1. Ignore or minimize your child's feelings. If your child is expressing sadness, anger or fear and you mock them, humiliate them, ignore or tease them you minimize what they feel. You essentially tell them what they feel is wrong. When parents do this they withhold love from their child and miss opportunities to have open and vulnerable connections teaching them to bond and to know they are loved unconditionally.

2. Inconsistent rules. If you never talk about your expectations, you keep your child from knowing how to behave appropriately. Children live up or down to what you expect. Rules give them guidelines and boundaries to help them define who they are, good and bad. If you keep your child guessing and life is vague, they will begin to act out to find the boundaries themselves, which leads to low self-esteem and problem behavior.

3. Make your child your friend. Never share all your worries, concerns and relationship problems with your child or ask their advice. If you act helpless and defeated to your children they will never learn to respect you and will treat you as an equal or an inferior because you have used them for your own therapy. You must show your children you can stand up to problems, face your challenges and handle life through all the stress and come out on the other side. Be real, have your emotions, but do not burden your children.

4. Put down your child's other parent. If you never show affection and love to your partner/spouse in front of your child, the child does not develop a barometer for what love is or what it looks like. If you are always putting your spouse down and rejecting him/her, threatening divorce, you create a chronic state of anxiety for your child. If you are already divorced and you remain cold, distant, bitter, angry and blaming of your ex-spouse, you are sending the subtle message to your child that your ex-spouse is the cause of the divorce and you need to be the preferred parent. This is parent alienation.

Read the rest here.

Thoughts so far?

Co-sleeping: don't do it

For as long as I can remember - actually, since the day our twins were born - my husband and I have never done co-sleeping with our children.

Well, it's happened quite by accident - and by accident, I mean my eyes are hanging out of my head from sleep deprivation, and I am that desperate I nestle the screaming baby in between in and try to soothe the bub.

Now. Here's the thing. Hubby sleeps like a rock. A bomb could not rouse him. And yet... when a baby (not always crying) is placed between us, he wakes instantly, and tells me to move the child back to the cot, and later, the 'big bed.'

Sometimes, this annoyed the crap out of me (suggesting the opposite of what you do in a situation when your baby is screaming her lungs out always leads to an argument, doesn't it?) but mostly I was always relieved. He was taking control of a dire sitaution and eventually, the child always settled, and it always works.

Today, our kids never come to our bed in the middle of the night. Ever. And I absolutely love it. When we tuck them into bed, they don't come downstairs. Don't ask for water. Just... go to sleep. This is not a smug statement! This is years of hard, consistent work from the hubby and I. My husband has always said to me, "No. This is our bed. This is our sacred space. It is just for us."

And I really get that. It's the one place in the entire house which is just for us. In every single way.

But I won't lie. I do crave sleeping next to my child. Feeling their breath and their intertwined limbs and their soft hair and faces right next to me. Bliss, I think.

Well. Not quite so. Early this morning, my son awoke. He was a tad unsettled.

"Babe, do you wanna sleep in Raf's bed, and he can sleep here?" I say, finally getting the chance to sleep with my little prince?

"Sure," he says. And we do the bed-swap thing.

I am SO happy.

And that lasts about ten minutes.

He keeps hiding under the blankets. Checking to see if the sun has come up yet it's 1.30am! No, it hasn't!). And just generally waking me juuuust as I am about to drop off.

After what seems like an hour of this, I have HAD IT.

I raise my voice and tell him, "Enough! Go to sleep."

He does. And early in the AM, he says, "Hi Mummy! I'm awake!"

"Okay, great," I say, half-dead-to-the-world. "Go to Daddy."

I sleep for a few more hours, and when I awake with that dreadful broken sleep feeling, I vow to never entertain that fun-in-theory co-sleeping thing again.

I love the rule my husband has made, and I will not be breaking it again.

What are your thoughts and experiences on co-sleeping? Share below!

Childcare extended hours: would you use it?

Following on from an earlier report where some daycare centres have turned into an overnight care facility [see: http://www.twinnieworld.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/daycare-now-turns-into-overnight.html], news just in is that Childcare Minister Kate Ellis has revealed she wants to investigate removing restrictions on childcare centres being open after 6pm.

One option, reports 'The Sunday Telegraph', is that childcare centres also want discussed allowing some centres to open on Saturday in areas where there is local demand among miners and shift workers.

And nurses, doctors, firefighters and other shift workers the government is considering they also have access to more at-home care under new proposals.

"I have heard from so many parents about the added stresses of having to ensure you're out of the door at work by ten past five to get through the traffic and collect your child by 6pm," Ms Ellis told The Sunday Telegraph. "Or you face an immediate fine and a fine for every four minutes you're late after that.

Australian Childcare Alliance Gwynn Bridge spokeswoman said many centres charged $15 or more for parents who are 15 minutes late.

"You do feel sorry for parents who are rushing to pick up their children and get stuck in traffic. But what some parents don't realise is the staff have families waiting for them at home too," she said.

To read more, go here: http://www.news.com.au/news/minister-kate-ellis-reveals-plan-to-allow-childcare-centres-to-open-all-hours/story-fncvfxcm-1226437754001#ixzz223MWKEGK

What do you think? Would you welcome this move? Have you ever been penalised?

Kids and iPhones – it’s all about balance, by Jo Abi

I really enjoyed this post, by writer Jo Abi - about kids and iPhones. It most certainly resonated with me, as my twins have been obsessed with my iPhone since they could walk. Now they have iPads and I try to limit the time they spend on there. We paint, we draw, we rough and tumble, we go outside, we blow bubbles [really... I'm not just saying that. They are easily entertained!]

Mind you, my son's iPad was purchased with FaHCSIA funding and all we have are autism-specific apps, though he is definitely enamoured with YouTube-ing kids' cartoon videos [visit my Twitter page and see - he has somehow worked out how to post various YouTube links... to my Twitter page! I don't even know how he does this!]

I also enjoyed Jo's appearance on 'Breakfast' yesterday morning [see link, below]:

Here's an excerpt from Jo's piece:

My eight-year-old completely freaked me out with an “Your iPhone Screen Looks Broken” app a couple of weeks ago, my four-year-old is obsessed with the bowling app and my two-year-old girl plays the Dora Memory Cards game. I’m not proud and I am aware that their time on my iPhone needs to be monitored and limited. In an effort to ensure the next school holidays isn’t a tech-free-for-all I dusted off the games I purchased before the last school holidays – Twister, Monopoly, Guess Who, Uno and Cards. I even found Jacks!

This school holidays I am determined…my kids will not spend more than an hour a day TOTAL on computers, iPhones, iPads or any device with the word “Nintendo” on it.

This is going to be a massive task.

As was pointed out to me this morning, parents are busy. It takes time and effort to engage with your kids and make sure they are indulging in a variety of activities and Winter is the worst time for this. Please don’t rain during the school holidays!

We also have chalk to draw on the concrete out the back, water paints and my husband bought them new soccer balls which I plan to kick around the park with them.

To read the rest of this blog post, go here: http://joabi.com.au/2012/06/25/kids-and-iphones-its-all-about-balance/

And you can watch Jo's TV appearance here: http://tenbreakfast.com.au/video.htm?movideo_m=200486 

So, what do you think? Time limits on techy gadgets? Or let them dictate? Do you... gasp... use tech things as a babysitter sometimes?

Leave your comments below.

Breastfeeding in uniform – why is this considered offensive?

Have a look at this photo - do you find it offensive?

It seems that some do.

Crystal Scott, founder of the American breastfeeding support group called ‘Mom2Mom’, and a military spouse, was behind the photo as part of a campaign to help support National Breastfeeding Awareness Month in the US.

In the photo, two Air National Guard members are nursing their babies in uniform, and it has garnered lots of attention globally.

"A lot of people are saying it's a disgrace to the uniform," she told the US Today show. "They're comparing it to urinating and defecating [while in uniform]. It's extremely upsetting. Defecating in public is illegal. Breastfeeding is not."

Terran Echegoyen-McCabe is the mother breastfeeding her 10 month old twin daughters in the photo, along with fellow breastfeeding mum Christina Luna, and she says she was surprised by the negative reaction to the photo. 

"There isn't a policy saying we can or cannot breastfeed in uniform," she has said. "I think it's something that every military mom who is breastfeeding has done... I think we do need to be able to breastfeed in uniform and be protected."

While there is no policy about breastfeeding while in uniform, an Air Force spokesperson, Captain Rose Richeson told Today that that "airmen should be mindful of their dress and appearance and present a professional image at all times while in uniform."

Okay, fair call… but is this photo as controversial as it has been made out?

As a former twin breastfeeding mother – yes, sometimes at the same time – I find this image beautiful, natural, and it brings back memories of such lovely, bonding times with my little babies.

What do you think?

Tracey Spicer: the day she dropped her baby, and why she's a Choice advocate

Long-time Choice advocate and mother of two, journalist Tracey Spicer, has written a personal blog (see below) to mark Choice Baby Safety Week this week.

In a gut-wrenching, could-have-been-me story, Tracey reveals for the first time how her new-born baby fell head-first onto wooden floor boards during a change table mishap. 

As part of her advocacy role, Tracey is calling on parents to be more vigilant when purchasing baby products. According to Tracey, it’s difficult to get genuine, objective and independent advice, and this is why she decided to support Choice Baby Safety Week.  

You can download the comprehensive Choice guide right here (it's worth it; I have downloaded it and so wish this was around when my twins were babies): www.choice.com.au/expectantparentsguide

Here is Tracey's raw and honest piece for Choice Baby Safety Week:

"It’s the most wonderful time of your life. But it can also be the most fearful.

Caring for a baby is equal parts exhilaration and trepidation. Am I doing the right thing? What if something happens? Where’s the rule book?

I remember – like it was yesterday – bringing home my precious premature firstborn. Taj had spent three weeks in neo-natal intensive care with two serious lung disorders.

I was finally able to take him home on Christmas Eve. We went for a sunset walk with the pram. It was supposed to be a moment of great joy. But I was struck with terror.

Every couple of steps, I stopped to remove the sunshade to make sure he was still breathing. I fiddled with the straps to ensure he wouldn’t become strangled. I loosened then tightened his swaddling so it was just right. In short: I drove my husband mad.

But I didn’t have confidence in my ability as a mother – or the products I’d purchased to keep my baby safe. Then came the change table incident.

We had an old, wooden table we’d bought on eBay. But it didn’t have raised sides.

“It’s OK,” I thought. “I’ll always have one hand on the little wriggler. He won’t fall off.”

Now, babies aren’t supposed to roll over until three or four months of age. But one day, when Taj was two-and-a-half-months, I turned around to grab some wipes and “thud”.

He’d fallen headfirst onto the floorboards. I scooped him up and went to call triple-0.

Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt. We were incredibly lucky.

Falling is the most common cause of injury to children under the age of five.

One friend had to take her baby to the emergency department with a hairline fracture to the skull after a similar incident.

Her change table had been handed down through the family. Again, it had no sides or safety straps.

Parents face the same problems with bassinets. They may look lovely, but many pose choking and suffocation hazards.

I’ll never forget seeing another friend’s baby with his face pressed into a gap between the mattress and the side of the bassinet. The mesh had been covered with a blanket to provide comfort – but no ventilation. I quickly moved the blanket away so the sweet little fella could breathe.

The problem is, first-time parents are flying blind. There’s a plethora of information on the internet, but much of it is sponsored by manufacturers.

It’s difficult to get genuine, objective, independent advice.

That’s why I’m proud to support Choice's Baby Safety Week. Rigorous testing has revealed which products are safe, and which are not. There’s also advice on adjustments you can make to existing items.

The solution is simple: The Federal Government needs to bring in mandatory standards for all strollers, bassinets and change tables.

Sure, some might say this is another example of the “nanny state”. But what’s more important than protecting new life? It would certainly give parents peace of mind."



Adds Tracey in my interview with her [she was juggling swimming lessons with her kids and our phone interview, while I was hoping my four year old twins would stay quiet during our chat. They did]:


"The point I want to make is it can happen to anybody. I mean, you're so careful with every area of your life, and especially with kids, but then, your attention is turned away for a second and and anything can happen.


That's why, I am such a fan of Choice generally, but specifically with this campaign because when you're going out there, buying products, whether it's a change table, or a stroller, or a bassinet, you need to know that it's 100% safe, and it has the latest technology, to make sure that even if you turn away for a second there are sides on the change table for example, or a strap that can keep your baby safe and secure.


So that's why I wanted to support the campaign, to say, look this can happen to anybody; let's get some laws in place that help mothers help themselves."


Making an informed choice is super important for new mums, and Tracey agrees.


"Exactly. Because a lot of people might buy stuff on eBay or get it handed down through the family, and it's lovely to have those sentimental items like beautiful bassinets, but some items do have suffocation hazards that we've only become aware of in recent years, so you might not even be aware of that."


I am a great fan of the hand me down, as a mum of twins. Tracey, too, favoured the odd hand me down, but says: "I thought that anything that was handed down to me, or even anything I bought met the safety standards, but that's just not the case."


Are people turning to more and more to guides from Choice, so they feel completely informed when making important purchases?


"Definitely. And I think the reason people are turning to an organisation like Choice is because they're independent. If you start researching on the internet, a lot of reports are put up there by the manufacturer's and they don't disclose that it's by the manufacturer's. They say it has this safety rating or that safety rating, but there's not an independent body there, on the internet, broadly advising parents that this item is 100% safe. 


And that's what good about Choice. They've got no agenda, they're not not being paid by any company, so you know it's legitimate, authentic advice."


Download the Choice guide here: www.choice.com.au/expectantparentsguide



Tracey Spicer is a broadcaster, journalist, mother and Advocate for CHOICE Baby Safety Week. For more on Tracey, click here: http://spicercommunications.biz/

To smack or not to smack? A psychologist weighs in.

Did you watch the '60 Minutes' Australia report on smacking?

It has been the buzz since Sunday and it certainly made for uncomfortable viewing.

Here is the entire story video clip:http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/stories/8465814/the-smack

And here is the first part of the 60 Minutes story transcript:

MICHAEL USHER: To smack or not to smack? It's an issue that goes to the heart of parenting and there doesn't seem to be middle ground. You either believe that smacking is good, old-fashioned discipline or you consider it a form of child abuse. Dozens have banned it. Now there is a big push to do this here – that's despite the fact most Australians think an occasional slap is okay. Still, very few will admit to it, let alone smack their kids publicly – like one mother you are about to meet.

ANN: Look at me, I'm not joking. This is not funny, OK? Not funny at all. Do you understand?

MICHAEL USHER: Mother of four, Ann Shepherd, is dishing out what she calls “tough love”. She smacks her children when they are not behaving. Usually a short, sharp whack to the back side.

ANN: A slap can go straight to the point very quickly and it can get very quick results – for me, anyway.

MICHAEL USHER: Ann hasn't been caught out on camera, more embarrassed to admitting she smacks – in fact, the opposite. She's an advocate of smacking and allowed us to capture these very real, if not confronting, moments on cameras installed in her home.

ANN: That's for you. Smack for you.

MICHAEL USHER: Watching some of the vision of old-fashioned discipline for all her children. How do you feel when you smack them?

ANN: I don't feel guilty about doing it but I'm a human being. I'm a mother above all, and yeah, it does affect me. However, I know that in the long run I'm doing the right thing, because it will help them to become better adults, really.

For more, see: http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/stories/8465814/the-smack

I interviewed Lyn Worsley, psychologist at The Resilience Centre [see: http://www.theresiliencecentre.com.au] on the topic.

"We really need to learn methods that help children to self-discipline, and if your only form of discipline is to smack and shock them, then basically you’re what you're doing is a very behaviour-centric response to discipline.

"It’s like you’re giving dogs an electric shock when they don’t go through the right door.

"And really, in terms of raising children, what we need to do is look at how to help children to have a sense of their own self-discipline or self-awareness.

"So, raising children isn’t about managing them so they behave; it’s about giving them the tools so they know how to behave at the right time and place.

Adds Lyn: "If you use smacking in the context of, say, stopping a child from running out onto the road in front of traffic, that’s often a shock response to stop them from doing that, and sometimes I think that’s called for. But it shouldn’t be what you use as your main method of discipline.

"A child learning self-discipline needs to someone to talk to them very sternly when they’re misbehaving; they need to know that when they see mum or dad get angry, then the behaviour they are doing is wrong, that it’s socially unacceptable, and the only way to tell them that is by disciplining them. 

"When you smack them, then you’re not really teaching them discipline; you’re teaching them ‘you can express anger by hitting, and this is how I’m expressing anger at you.'"

So, do kids learn to 'respect' their parents because they get smacked, or do they grow up resenting them?

"I actually think that children know the context of their smacks. So, they know when they’re being smacked because they've done something wrong, like the traffic situation, and they know when their parents have lost control of the situation, too. Children know when their parent has hit them in a way that is to enable them to remain safe."

So, what of the argument people use "look, I was smacked as a child and there’s nothing wrong with me so therefore I will smack my children"?

Says Lyn, "What’s happened here is that they don’t have memories of it being abuse; they don’t have memories of it being a power imbalance.

"And certainly, you can smack a child without that power imbalance, but it’s less and less acceptable these days, so you don’t see it in our white western society without it being coupled with anger.

"The big problem is, if you start saying to people, you’re not allowed to smack, but you don’t replace that with another behaviour they can do to discipline the child, then you end up with children that are out of control.

"That don’t have any restraints put around them… they need to have boundaries where they know, 'oh, I can't go there or do that, or I’ll be in trouble.'

"A parent needs to have a means where they can say, 'I am the parent, I am I control of you, I am in charge of you, but I'm not going to use this power over you in order to discipline you. I'm going to make sure I have a sense of control until you're old enough to have control over yourself.'

"Regarding the woman in the 60 Minutes story, she can’t use the argument that smacking works.

"Once you have a child who is living with a sense of fear, you then have a real power imbalance… if we really want to raise children in an ideal world, you’ll raise them in a way that they understand that someone has control over them but not power. It’s a really fine line.

Let's use a real life scenario, one that's likely happened in every home with more than one child: one pushes the other, the other is hurt and comes to you screaming, and you give him a smack on the bottom to help them understand what they did was wrong.

Is that okay?

"I think the child will know the context of why you were giving them a smack. He would know that they did something wrong. But if smacked your child out of anger, then he’ll also know that, and would soon copy that.

"Unless you can guarantee that you can smack without any anger, then that smack should not happen.

"In dog training, when a dog does something wrong, you tap them on the nose and look them in the eye. You don’t do that with anger, you do that for them to learn the 'right way.'

"It’s the same with a child – if a child pulls your hair, often a parent will grab their hand and smack their hand and you say, 'don't do that.'"

What does Lyn think about legislating smacking?

"It has been done in a few other countries, and when they did that there was a bit of an uproar, but at the same time it made people think about the alternative way to teach discipline to their children. And so courses are offered where they can learn different disciplining skills.

"Of course, we have courses here and parents would do well to look into them. If we are going to legislate, we have to give parents an alternative.

You just can’t 'take something away', and not replace it with anything, otherwise you’ll have parents that are so disempowered, they won’t know what to do."

What is your approach to disciplining your children? What works for you?

To contact Lyn Worsley, go here: www.theresiliencecentre.com.au or call (+61 2) 9874 9711 or 9869 0377 (Epping, Sydney).

You can also 'like' the Resilience Centre on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/TheResilienceCentre

About Lyn Worsley: Lyn is a Clinical Psychologist with a background in nursing, youth work, early childhood and tertiary education teaching. Lyn has experience working in prisons, hospitals an

into the development of resilience has a refreshing, multidisciplinary approach which has long been missing in past resilience research. Learn more about The Resilience Doughnut here: https://www.facebook.com/ResilienceDoughnut

Twins at 46 - "Having children at an older age is more rewarding and enjoyable"

At the age of 46, I had not only found love once more, but had also been blessed with twins.

The last time I was pregnant before the twins was in 1989 – when I was 28 years old. So it’s been a long time in between pregnancies.

I think being older and having had two other children kind of prepared me for having another child… but it had not prepared me for two of them!

It all seemed too easy when were in hospital when the nurses were around to help you, but nothing prepared me for what would happen at home. Feeding time was the most time consuming, but my biggest reward was the amazing bond I experienced this time around. It was something that I will cherish forever.

At the age of 23 or even 28 I don’t think I fully enjoyed the experience as much as I did with the twins. I think it was because I was much more relaxed and had the huge and never-ending support of my husband. I decided to breastfeed both girls at the same time as it was easier and hated that one of the twins had to wait until I finished feeding the other one.

I had a huge abundance of patience this time around and the whole day revolved around a strict routine, but every now and then when the routine was disrupted it sure created some chaos. Some days were spent in my dressing gown all day, doing nothing but tending to the girls; sleep was like a an old friend, missing in action.

Eventually the milk ran out and so the bottle feeding began, and lucky for me, the girls learned early to grab the bottle and feed themselves.

When they were babies my job was - most of the time - easy, but that wonderful virtue called ‘patience’ left me once the girls started talking.

The competitiveness from such an early age was overwhelming. They would - and still to this day do - fight over such things as who would get their hair brushed first, who would sit in the seat behind mummy or daddy in the car, who would get to ask a question first. The bickering is absolutely phenomenal, and there is no coming to an agreement with them because - at all costs - each one has to be first for everything.

I definitely have to stress that being older and having children at an older age - in my experience - has been more rewarding and enjoyable. So much so that today, at the age of 51 years young, if I could I would have another baby...

But, alas society definitely would not approve…

Baby number three - yes or no?

This topic has been on my mind for several weeks, months even.

It's about having baby number three.

It's a funny conversation that usually goes something like this:

Me: "I think I am done. No, I know I am done. The husband is definitely done. But somehow... I don't know... there is a niggling feeling I may want another child. I may want to expand two to three."

Friend: "Really? Are you sure? Then do it! Yes, I know we are all turning 40, but women are having babies later anyway, so you know, you should definitely do it. On the other hand, you know... you have a boy and a girl, so you have the pigeon pair."

It's a strange convo, that plays out in different ways, but always starts and ends the same way. Uncertainty, then clarity.

That is: I am very clear I am done with adding to the family. Two was always the magic number for us. Two boys or two girls, or a boy and a girl. It was always two. But then: I was number three in my family.

And: I never expected to have two in one go, to have twins.

Which meant: one pregnancy, one delivery, one lot of breastfeeding (yep, sometimes at the same time), and one hellish lot (well, two - they'd wake at different times) of getting up in the middle of the night, for hungry babies.

Plus, now that I am experienced with the chaos of two, I want to know what's it's like to attend to one. Enjoy one. Be lost in the joy of caring for just one. [I am fully aware that this is possibly a rose-coloured glasses way of looking at the whooole process again; on the very rare occasion one of my twins wake up when I am about to go to bed exhausted, I remember: oh yes, I haaate my sleep being disturbed!].

I have long said, "One baby...? Pfft... I could do that with my eyes closed now!"

A friend, whose sister has had triplets, said this was probably common among women with multiples.

While we are genuinely, eternally grateful for being blessed with two (or more) in one go and 'getting it all out of the way', apparently many mums of multiples would like to experience what it's all like with a singleton bub.

A [male] friend of mine who is a dad of three recently told me: "EVERYTHING changes when you go from two to three. For us, it meant a bigger car, an extension to the house, more stress, more hard work, worrying about a new person all over again."

That comment alone convinced me [although I did casually add that we had a spare room, and a spare spot in our Kia Carnival] that we were done. Yep, yep... done. Yes, totally positive. [I think... no, I am sure. Sure.]

And so, last night I read with interest a story in this week's Grazia magazine [if you want a copy, be quick - it goes off sale by today's end].

The story, by Sonja Ebbels titled "The Third Parent Trap" not only talks about women wanting to expand their brood to a trio, it also talks about some examples she knows about women secretly falling pregnant to to do this, despite their partners' wishes that two suited them just fine.

"These weren't single women terrified their biological clocks were ticking, but desperate mothers who wanted one more child than their other half was willing to give," writes Sonja.

She adds this alarming statistic: "A UK survey revealed that about 42 percent of women would lie about using contraception in order t get pregnant, in spite of their partners' wishes.

"From the stories I heard, it seemed to come down to one question: what will kill your relationship faster? Living with a lie, and another child, or feeling forever unfulfilled because of your man's lack of compliance?"

It's an incredible take on the whole topic: deceiving your partner into having another baby. Lordy, I would never do that.

So, are you going contemplating having a third child right now? What are your experiences?

Feel free to comment (anon is okay) about your own experiences.

And for more on Grazia, go here: http://grazia.ninemsn.com.au/